


Antithetic

by bluestargirl6 (pressdbtwnpages)



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-09
Updated: 2005-09-09
Packaged: 2017-10-04 14:45:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pressdbtwnpages/pseuds/bluestargirl6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Up 'til this minute you didn't know you wanted to be let back into Logan's life</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Antithetic

**Author's Note:**

> post-season 1 finale.

His face has haunted you all summer. The expression on it when you broke his heart. When the words hung between you in the air, "...just like you ripped out my heart?"

You didn't know Logan could hurt like that, and you should have. You watched him unravel when he lost Lilly, watched him crumble when he gave up on his mom. You watched him lose you, watched him break , and you're surprised.

He rebounded from the loss of Lilly by lashing out, at you particularly. You screamed angry truths at each other. The honesty hadn't been unkind then, you hadn't cared about being cruel to him anyway.

But Logan recovered from losing his mother by reaching out a hand of friendship in your direction. And you accepted, but had somehow forgotten that telling Logan everything that was on your mind was too much to ask him to bear.

You saw the destruction on his face when you accused him of rape. But it hadn't stopped you from believing he would videotape the two of you together.

You had seen the hurt in his eyes while you avoided him. But it hadn't stopped you from wondering if he were capable of murder.

You've seen him broken by your betrayal, and for such a brilliant detective that's an awful lot of clues to have missed.

And yet you've been blaming Logan for the distance between you. How hard is it to forgive?

How hard is it to forgive, Veronica? How do you feel about the Kanes now? Clarence Weidman? Aaron Echolls? How do you feel about your mother? How hard is it to forgive? Well if you're Logan Echolls, or Veronica Mars, and you've been sinned against the way you both have been, then it's pretty damn hard.

It doesn't make things any simpler that Aaron's face haunts your nightmares as surely as his son's occupies your daydreams. No matter how many times you tell yourself Logan is nothing like his father, you can't help but find a resemblance. Aaron stole your best friend from you, stole a year of your life, robbed you of your family. He is a bastard. And he has a son, who you used to care about.

Who you still care about or you wouldn't be struggling to compact this anger standing between you down to a manageable size. Logan won't come back partially healed only to be broken again. He's too stubborn to let you in again, too self-protective.

And up 'til this minute you didn't know you wanted to be let back into Logan's life, maybe even into his heart. His father took everything that mattered from you.

But losing Lilly has given you a lot too. Confidence, a different, better, stronger family, friends, real friends, and Logan. If Lilly had lived...

If Lilly had lived, you wouldn't have this life. Maybe it would be better, maybe it would be worse, but it wouldn't have been so intrinsically yours. You have power over this life. You have taken power, have pushed out the poisonous people and surrounded yourself with positive people. As much as you're willing to be happy and healthy anyway. This is your life and it is what you are making it.

And right now you're making it lonely. You take responsibility for that. You take responsibility for everything that can possibly be linked to you. If something disastrous had happened with Logan up on that bridge you would have taken responsibility for it. It would have been your actual fault. You are the reason Logan was up there in the first place. You think.

You haven't actually spoken all summer. You tell yourself you're respecting his space. You insist that if he wanted to see you he'd be here. But you know you're lying to yourself. You want to see Logan but you aren't there, you're too much of a coward.

But that's one of the things about you. Once you've discovered a weakness you don't let it stay one for long. You like the challenge of making your armor impenetrable, like the challenge of doing the hard things. And so you make plans to go see Logan.

It takes you three days to decide not to go visit at night, in the wee hours of the morning to catch him unawares. It's dramatic, it's angsty, it's more than a little bit mean attacking Logan on his own turf at an ungodly hour. It takes another day to decide that if you can't go to his house at night, it's not a lot less cruel to stop by for lunch. Five days of planning makes you realize you work better without a solid plan and you end up taking a drive to the beach, sans BackUp.

Cape Crescent frowns on dogs, and that's your excuse, but really he is at home because you don't want this conversation with Logan to be the counterpoint to the one you had last May. Life is cyclical enough without your bringing props.

He's still fragile. You can tell when he emerges from the surf and shakes wet hair out of his eyes. He looks... vulnerable somehow and you want to protect him. You're the one who broke him, in a way the best way to protect Logan would be to leave. You want to leave, badly, but you've gotten this far and you've always been too stubborn for your own good.

Besides, it's been a difficult summer for lots of people. Your break-up with Logan isn't the only thing tearing you to pieces and it likely isn't the only thing hurting him. The voice in your head that tells you that you aren't responsible for everything that goes wrong in Neptune sounds an awful lot like your father's.

Logan looks up as he hauls his surfboard out of the ocean. He sees you. Your eyes catch. They feel like they've just been hooked, snagged against Logan's stubbled jaw, suddenly that expression makes a lot more sense.

To your surprise Logan abandons his board on the sand and approaches you. You thought this would be harder, it always is, but instead he stands patiently in front of you and you don't know when you've been more confused.

By all rights Logan Echolls should hate you. You were a lousy friend, a shitty girlfriend, and that was before you destroyed his family.

And he's still standing here, waiting.

"Veronica ."

"Logan... You don't hate me?" It isn't what you had in mind to say. It isn't the perfect thing, but not the worst possible conversation-starter. Besides, the question burns.

He bites out a laugh and ignores what you've asked. "How've you been, Veronica? Doesn't look like you've been sleeping much."

You touch the delicate skin under your eye, surprised and taken aback. "I guess not. Nightmares," you elaborate and then wish you hadn't when Logan winces.

"Sorry about that."

"Why?" you wonder. "It isn't your fault."

Logan's eybrows raise, asking 'since when?'

You shrug, thinking idly how this unspoken conversation you're having with Logan must look to an outsider. It hits you that you are an insider in Logan's life and the companion realization is equally as jarring. "I trust you."

"I don't." Logan tells you flatly and your heart sinks a little bit.

But the conversation is still going a thousand times better than it could be so you nod, "that's fair."

"I don't hate you," he offers with a tentative smile.

"That's awfully generous, considering."

"Considering what? That I care about you?"

"You... I... what?"

Logan runs a hand through his wet hair. "I wanted to hate you, Veronica. I tried. You hurt me."

"I know. I'm sorry. I was wrong. It was wrong and I did it anyway."

"Yeah. You did. And -you wanna hear something sick?"

You never know how to answer questions like this. You nod because it's simple.

"I kind of love that about you."

Your jaw drops, "what?"

"Your whole 'take no prisoners' 'by any means necessary' stubborn streak. It's annoying as hell, but," Logan shrugs, "its also kinda hot."

You smile a little and blush. You've never thought of yourself as hot and it's sort of a weirdly flatterig thing to hear.

"I miss you," you say and hate how weak and clingy it sounds. You thought you'd gotten rid of that little girl along time ago. But you're being honest with Logan now, and you don't know if you ever were before.

"Veronica, I..." Logan trails off, his hands spread in a gesture of helplessness, "I really don't trust you."

"I understand. You're justified. But, I mean," you stammer because you aren't entirely sure you haven't misinterpreted Logan's tone, "maybe I trust you enough for both of us now."

"My dad's trial will happen eventually. It won't be easy."

"When has it ever been? It's your turn to bring some of the drama."

"Fair enough." Logan steps closer, wraps an arm around your waist and kisses you.

Pulling him closer still and kissing him back, you think this might just be the best mistake you'll ever make.


End file.
